Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius February 28, 2015 Spiritual Ponderings 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage
Let us continue looking at Dr. Allen Hunt’s book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage to discover insights not only into marriage but into relationships in general. Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.
09. The Secret of Ages and Stages: The only constant in your marriage will be the two of you and the fact you are changing as people and as a couple.
The fact remains that you and your spouse will change over time, and that process requires attention. The goal is to share experiences and change together. But reality teaches that this is not easy. There are two factors that bring about change in marriage. The first is time. Time changes us as we get older and have more experiences and have the chance to develop greater illnesses etc. The second should be our desire to become a better person. I hope that I am a better priest now than on the day of my ordination. Sometimes the second thing that changes us is complacency. We stop trying to get better and we start developing bad habits.
Change is hard. When the grace of God is involved in that change, the process becomes even more difficult. Flannery O’Conner’s wise words ring true: “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and change is painful.” Being treated for depression in high school, college, and even as an adult was hard for me because I had to admit that I had not figured everything out and that I needed help. There was a giant part of me that wanted to avoid dealing with those issues. I chose to deal with those issues because I wanted to be the best person that I could be for my family (and the people of God that I wanted to serve). Learning to live a new way of life was hard but it was worth it.
Patience enables you to endure change. In fact, it allows you to thrive through change because you know that your spouse is always changing and your relationship is always evolving. The ages and stages of marriage become something you anticipate rather than dread. Patience helps you look eagerly ahead to what God will do next than resenting that your spouse has added a few pounds here and there or no longer likes to go camping like she used to.
10. The Secret of the Bed: If being together bothers you, your marriage has entered the danger zone.
Nearly one in four American married couples no longer share a bed. Home builders report a growing increase in requests for separate master bedroom suites and expect such requests eventually to become the norm for new homes. Sometimes that is for health reasons such as sleep apnea, snoring, or restless legs. I think the wisdom behind this secret is that married couples have to seize every moment of togetherness they can even if it is while one is a sleep. If one cannot share one’s bed with their spouse or you are trying to strengthen another relationship other than that with your spouse look for other ways to spend ordinary time with that person. Go shopping together, ride along in the car with them as they run errands, or watch them play a sport. Spend time together.
11. The Secret of Priorities: Every marriage will face a turning point.
Life is about priorities. Love is about priorities. And a marriage thrives when it embraces the secret of priorities. Show me your calendar or phone and I’ll show you your priorities. When you make time for something, it becomes your priority. Where you invest your time is where you are investing yourself. Show me you bank statement and I’ll show you your priorities. When you spend money or give money, your heart becomes attached and that project or item become a priority. Here is a moment of honesty and vulnerability to me. Do you know what hurts me the most? When someone who I consider a good friend does not take time to even call or when I throw a party and invite friends and people don’t show. I can only imagine how damaging this is in a marriage or other important relationship. I talk to my mother every day for ten to fifteen minutes. This is a priority for me because I love her. I have lost contact with other friends because I did not make them a priority and we have lost touch over the years.