Forgiveness
01-08

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 3, 2012
Spiritual Ponderings
10 Tips For Forgiveness
 
One of the hardest parts of our Catholic Faith is the call to forgive others.  We hear Jesus say to us in the Gospels: “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I am sorry,’ you should forgive him.” (Luke 17: 3&4).  We also pray each and every time we pray the Our Father that God will forgive our sins as we forgive the sins of others.  If that was bad enough as Christians we are called to imitate Jesus and He forgave His friends who betrayed and denied Him, His enemies who crucified Him, and the whole world whether people wanted His forgiveness or not.  In my personal life recently, I was having a hard time forgiving someone and as I prayed for the grace to forgive this person, I came across a small book that my spiritual director in college gave me.  It was Fr. Eamon Tobin’s book: How to Forgive Yourself and Others: Steps to Reconciliation.   One of the chapters is called “Ten Reminders about the Forgiveness Process”.  For the month of June I would like to reflect on Fr. Eamon’s ten reminders.  His words will be in bold and my will be in the regular font. 
 
1.            Remember that forgiveness is God’s way of dealing with life hurts.  Revenge or deliberately deciding not to forgive is the world’s way.  So when we pray for the grace to forgive and do all that we can to forgive we are acting like true disciples of Jesus.  Also when we, with grace of God, can let go of a hurt done to us, we are choosing to control the hurt instead of letting it control us.
 
As human beings we must always realize that we are imperfect creatures and thus our first thoughts on an issue may not be right.  We believe, however that our Creator, God wants what is best for us and He came down to heaven to show us the way to heaven.  God being our creator knows what will lead us to happiness but sadly often we choose things that we think will lead to happiness only to be sorely disappointed later.  When it comes to forgiveness we must first admit that we want to forgive because Jesus teaches us that forgiving others will lead us to happiness.  There is a sort of selfish aspect to it because we were made for eternal happiness.  
 
Our world makes it very easy for us to play the role of victim.  It sometimes financially compensates us for being a victim but it always awards us with attention.  Choosing to forgive often helps us avoid the temptation of desiring attention more than the truth.  Often when someone hurts us it is to provoke a response out of us by forgiving you refuse to allow yourself to be played.  Holocaust survivor and author Victor Frankl put it this way: “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”  We can always choose to forgive.
 
2.            Remember that forgiveness, especially of a sizable hurt, only happens when we truly desire it, while recognizing the major role that God’s grace plays in the process.  We live in a culture where we are taught to be self-sufficient.  As a result we are reluctant to admit our own powerlessness and are also unfortunately, reluctant to call on God to help us do what we cannot do for ourselves.  It takes a good deal of humility (not a very popular virtue these days) for us who are raised in a self-sufficient culture to admit that we cannot do something.  Also, it takes a good amount of faith to believe that God can and will help us do what we cannot do for ourselves.  It is of the utmost importance to come to terms with our own powerlessness to forgive hurts and our need to look God to help us. 
 
We must realize that there are times where we do not desire to forgive a person for one reason or another.  In moments like that, I choose to pray just for the grace to “want to forgive.”  Another way that I pray is I pray that the person gets what they deserve and as long as I do not state what I think the person deserves, I know that I am making progress.  Over the next few weeks and months, I can find my prayer words reminding the same but my intention moving from God smiting them to God helping them become a better person. 
 
We also should never be afraid to ask God for help.  I look at it in the same way that I look at algebra in high school.  It was more important for me to pass math than to look self-sufficient so I asked for help.  In the same way it is more important for me to forgive than to look self sufficient. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 10, 2012
Spiritual Ponderings
10 Tips For Forgiveness
 
This month I am sharing with you some reflections of the process of forgiving someone who has hurt us especially if forgiving the person is not coming easy.  As our guide for our reflections on forgiveness I have turned to the second chapter of Fr. Eamon Tobin’s book: How to Forgive Yourself and Others: Steps to Reconciliation, where he lists ten things that we should keep in mind as we strive to forgive others.  Quotes from his book are in bold and my commentary can be found in normal print. 
 
3.            Remember that frequently the reason for the failure of our efforts to forgive is because we do not want to forgive, which is very understandable when we have suffered sizable, hurts.  Sometimes we are unaware of our lack of desire.  On the surface, we think we want to forgive, but deep down we really are not ready.  Needless to say, we can pray all day for God to help us to forgive, but if we do not want to forgive, then our prayer may be in vain.
 
There is no fooling God.  If we have no desire to forgive, then God will not force us too no matter what we might be telling Him in our prayers.  When we are struggling to forgive those who have hurt us, I think that it is important to admit that to ourselves.  One of the counselors who helped me with my depression taught me a practice called mindfulness.  When I practice mindfulness, I sit quietly as if in prayer, and I try to recognize and note everything that I am feeling at the moment.  This is not quite prayer because I am not offering any at this moment to God but it rather allowing me to get in touch with my entire being.  Awareness is keen when it comes to practicing forgiveness.   It is kind of like driving, it helps to know where the detours and road blocks are going to be in order to avoid them.  If we do not want to forgive, it is important to discover why?  Sometimes, I do not want to forgive for illogical reasons like I want to punish the other person even though my not forgiving them is not really hurting them and sometimes though I do not want to forgive because I do not want to admit that I made a mistake and allowed myself to be vulnerable.  All of these things should be brought to God in prayer. 
 
4.            Remember that the forgiveness of a hurt takes time and patience.  We live in a society where we are used to getting quick results.  But to heal the heart of an extensive hurt, we must prepare ourselves for a slow process.  We must be ready and willing to pray and talk about the hurt over and over so that it can be healed.  To pray a few times and expect that everything is going to be okay is simply unrealistic.
 
When we are in a situation when we are hurt, there is a lot that goes on inside us both physically and mentally.    Our bodies may be filled with adrenaline creating us a fight or flight response.   Our minds may be bringing past hurts into the present and mixing them with the current problem.  I know that often when I am hurt, my feelings from childhood seem to spring forward and get mixed in with my feelings from the present moment often amplifying the pain that I am feeling.  Allowing time to pass can help our bodies slow down and adrenaline to leave our bodies and it can give us time to separate the present hurts from those of the past.  We can also begin to see the truth that most people are not really as malicious as they may first appear. 
 
5.            Remember that ordinarily we hurt others (even as they hurt us) because we are weak and blind, not because we are evil monsters bent on deliberate and malicious harm to others.
 
One of the cool things that I have learned in counseling classes is what counselors call “The Fundamental Attribution Error.”  This principle is simply that we will often attribute evil intentions to others actions and blame our actions on our circumstances.  For example when someone cuts off while driving we will assume that they did this because they are a jerk but if we were to cut someone off (accidently) we would be blame on our circumstances (oops, I did not see them, my mirror was faulty, etc.).   The truth of the matter is that most of the time when someone hurts us it is done out of neglect (or as an accident) and not of malice.  Reminding ourselves of this should allow us to forgive others easier and make us more aware of how our actions (or lack thereof) may unintentionally hurt others. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 17, 2012
Spiritual Ponderings
10 Tips For Forgiveness
 
We have been reflecting on one of the most important aspects of putting our faith into practice that of forgiving those who have hurt us.  We have been using Fr. Tobin’s list of ten important things to remember when it comes to forgiveness from the second chapter of his book: How to Forgive Yourself and Others: Steps to Reconciliation. Please remember that quotes from his book are in bold and my commentary can be found in normal print. 
 
6.            Remember there is a difference between the forgiveness of a hurt and the healing of a hurt.  Sometimes we may feel ill at ease because we still harbor negative feelings toward those who have hurt us terribly in the past.  We believe our negative feelings indicate that we do not have forgiveness in our heart.  The hurt has been forgiven, but the wound has festered because the betrayal has not been healed.  The point here is that we shouldn’t necessarily conclude that we have not forgiven someone just because we still feel hurt and negative about what has happened.  Forgiveness is primarily an act of the will and not a matter of feelings.  If our negative feelings lead us to behave in a negative ways then we have every reason to believe that complete forgiveness has not taken place. 
 
I like to remind people that forgiveness is not acquitting or forgetting.  Forgiveness is not declaring the person who is being forgiven to be innocent but rather declaring that I will not allow revenge to foster in my heart.  Every person wants to have his or her life mean something and it is our experiencing that gives our life meaning.   In a special way hurtful experiences help give our lives meaning and it is therefore important not to pretend like the event did not happen.  For example if a person has been abused by his or her spouse, while it is important for him or her to eventually forgive the spouse it is also equally important that he or she does not pretend the abuse did not happen and thus place themselves in danger again.  Forgiveness is about letting go of the desire for revenge, the desire to hurt the other, etc and not about erasing the past.  When I forgive I say to others, yes what happened hurt me but I am going to live my life and not respond with anger and hate. 
 
7.            Remember there is a difference between the forgiveness and the reconciliation of a hurt.  We can, with the grace of God, always forgive a hurt, but we cannot always reconcile a relationship.  We can always forgive sin or an offense that a person has committed against us, but we cannot always restore the relationship because the other person may not be interested.  It only takes one person to forgive, but it takes two to reconcile a hurt. 
 
Sometimes when a hurt happens, it is impossible to reconcile with the person who has hurt us.  This might be because of death, the other person maybe incapable of offering forgiveness, or the other person just may not want to be reconciled.  This does not mean however that you cannot forgive them.  A good example of forgiving but not being reconciled is Jesus on the cross to the people who crucified them.  He forgave them but they had no desire to be reconciled with Jesus.  He made the offer but they refused it.  In the same way all we can do is forgive and offer peace even if we are only going to get hostility in the end.  
 
8.            Remember that often the reason we have a difficult time forgiving another is because we have a hard time forgiving ourselves.  The old saying, “You cannot give what you haven’t got,” applies to forgiveness as much as to anything else.  If we cannot receive from God and others the forgiveness they offer us, how can we give that same forgiveness to others?  One big difference between Peter and Judas is that Peter was able to accept forgiveness that Jesus offered, whereas Judas wasn’t. 
 
One of the biggest problems, I had in life growing up was that I had this unrealistic expectation that I should have been able to make everyone happy at all times.  I had to come to grips with the fact that I was not perfect and that I could not predict everyone’s response to me actions and then I had to learn to forgive myself for not being perfect.  Once I learned to allow myself to be imperfect then I was able to forgive others easier.  Sometimes, I must forgive myself for being stupid, unprepared, etc.  I figure now that if God can forgive me for my imperfections, then I can forgive myself also.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
June 24, 2012
Spiritual Ponderings
10 Tips For Forgiveness
 
It is hard to believe that we have come to the end of another month.   We have only two more things in Fr. Tobin’s list of ten important things to remember when it comes to forgiveness.  I strongly recommend picking up his book: How to Forgive Yourself and Others: Steps to Reconciliation.  It is a quick but powerful read.  Please remember that quotes from his book are in bold and my commentary can be found in normal print. 
 
9.            Remember we may need a good counselor to help us work through and let go of huge hurts that may happen in our lives.  A counselor will help us get in touch with our pain and any possible denial of its existence.  A counselor will also remind us that any anger toward those who hurt us is legitimate (for example, parents we always believe could never hurt anybody).  And finally, a counselor will remind us to express our feelings while praying at the same time for God’s healing.
 
Life is complicated and it can be very helpful to have someone who knows the human mind and human behavior to talk to.  I know that I benefited from counseling and I now benefit from spiritual direction.  I don’t have all the answers and so it is important for me to talk to someone who will tell me what he or she really thinks about what I am telling them and it often helps that they are not someone who I have a personal relationship with, i.e. boss, parent, sibling, or spouse(if I had one).
 
When listing the seven deadly sins, I like to use the word “wrath” than anger because I see anger as an emotion and all emotions are neutral in my book.  It is what we do with our emotions that matter.  Anger to me is a feeling and wrath is the inappropriate use of anger.  When someone hurts us it is alright and even healthy to be angry.  It is also alright to be angry with God.  While we know God does not cause evil He does permit it for some reason or another.  It is good and healthy to express your anger to God.   The most important thing is to always communicate honestly with God.
 
10.          Remember that before we begin to pray about the hurt, we should make sure we take the time to name, own, and express any feelings connected with the hurt.  This is crucial to the forgiveness process.  Of course, this may not be easy for us if we have been taught not to express our feelings—to let on that they are not as strong as they really are.  We say we are a “little upset” when, in fact, we are very angry.
 
As I reflect on this last list item, I wish to quote Ernest Kurtz and Katherine Ketchum’s book: The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning.  The first quote is as follows: “When we accept ourselves in all our weakness, flaws, and failings, we can begin to fulfill an even more challenging responsibility: accepting the weakness, limitations, and mixed-up-ed-ness of those we love and respect.  Then and only then, it seems, do we become able to accept the weakness, defects, and shortcomings of those we find it difficult to love.”  Forgiveness therefore is an important part of relationships.  True forgiveness must have a sound foundation if it is to work.  If there are hidden problems in the foundation (meaning that we did not identify all our feelings) forgiveness maybe harder to maintain than we might expect. 
 
The second quote is “Resentment is the poison of the spiritual life.  The word means, literally, “feeling again,” in the sense of “feeling backward”; the emphasis is on a clinging to a past, a harping on it that becomes mired in it.  Resentment goes over and over an old injury: revisiting the hurt, the powerlessness, the rage, the fear, the feeling of being wronged.  Scraping the scab off the wound, resentment relishes anew its pain; it is the particular kind of memory that reinforces the vision of self-as victim.  The vision is the antithesis of spirituality, for spirituality begins with the recognition of our own imperfections.  Focusing on the past faults and failings of others blinds us to the reality of our own present defects and shortcomings.” Forgiveness is therefore a key to happiness. 

Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash

Uncovering Phase
1.            Examination of psychological defenses
2.            Confrontation and release of anger
3.            Admittance of shame when appropriate
4.            Awareness of cathexis
5.            Awareness of cognitive rehearsal of the injury
6.            Insight that injured person may be comparing him or herself with the injurer
7.            Realization that the self may be permanently and adversely changed by the injury
8.            Insight into a possible altered just-world view
 
Decision Phase
9.            A change of heart, new insight that resolution strategies are not working
10.          Willingness to consider forgiveness
11.          Commitment to forgive the offender
 
Work Phase
12.          Reframing who the wrongdoer is by viewing him or her in context
13.          Empathy toward the offender
14.          Compassion toward the offender
15.          Acceptance and absorption
 
Outcome or Deepening Phase
16.          Finding meaning for the self and other in the suffering and in the forgiveness process
17.          Realization that the self has needed forgiveness from others in the past
18.          Insight that one is not alone
19.          Realization that the self may have a new purpose in life because of the injury
20.          Awareness of decreased negative affect and increased positive affect toward the injurer; awareness of internal, emotional release.

The “prayer” that most usually works is the only prayer often possible: “God, please give that s.o.b. what he deserves!” And so long as one does not presume to suggest “what he deserves,” amazingly, it works.  The surrender of the claim of control, implicit in all real prayer, is of course one part of what is going on here.*
 
I know that when I start praying the prayer “God, please give that person what they deserve!” the first time, I have the hope that God will hit the person with a semi truck.  I keep praying this prayer though and over time because I give up control to God when I pray the prayer the thought in the back of my head becomes that the person or people who have wronged me will find God’s love and repent.  Ultimately the key to the above prayer is letting God take care of the situation instead of feeling some sort of need to “fix” the situation or “right” the wrong.  God will take care of it in his time.

* Kurtz, Ernest & Katherine Ketcham: The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning (New York: Bantam Books Doubleday, 2002)

Photo by Dawn McDonald on Unsplash

   Resentment is the poison of the spiritual life.  The word means, literally, “feeling again,” in the sense of “feeling backward”; the emphasis is on a clinging to a past, a harping on it that becomes mired in it.  Resentment goes over and over an old injury: revisiting the hurt, the powerlessness, the rage, the fear, the feeling of being wronged.  Scraping the scab off the wound, resentment relishes anew its pain; it is the particular kind of memory that reinforces the vision of self-as victim.  The vision is the antithesis of spirituality, for spirituality begins with the recognition of our own imperfections.  Focusing on the past faults and failings of others blinds us to the reality of our own present defects and shortcomings. 

Kurtz, Ernest & Katherine Ketcham: The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning (New York: Bantam Books Doubleday, 2002)

Photo by Girl with red hat on Unsplash