Relationships 
01-08

1. A friend is one who walks in when others walk out --Walter Winchell

2. "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend. " -Albert Camus

3. Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. --Elbert Hubard

4. I get by with a little help from my friends. --John Lennon

5. "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost. " --Charles Caleb Colton

6. "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." --Anais Nin

7. My friends are my estate. --Emily Dickinson

8. "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. " --Bible: Ecclesiastes

9. "Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends. " --Mary Catherwood

10. "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival. " --C. S. Lewis

11. "I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel. " --Logan Pearsall Smith

12. The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. --Abraham Lincoln, (sent by Heather Myers)

13. "The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own. " --Benjamin Disraeli

14. "Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background. " --Claudette Renner

15. "I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow. " --Cher
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being. " --Goethe

16. Friendship is one mind in two bodies. --Mencius

17. True friendship is never serene. --Mariede Svign

18. It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter. --Marlene Dietrick

19. A friend is a gift you give yourself. --Robert Louis Stevenson

20. "Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success. " --Oscar Wilde

21. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. --Mother Teresa

22. I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody. --Benjamin Franklin

23. Misfortune shows those who are not really friends. --Aristotle

24. "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with. " --Mark Twain

25. "Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship. " --Cicero

26. "Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind. " --Samuel Taylor Coleridge

27. The best mirror is an old friend. --George Herbert

28. What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies. --Aristotle

29. The friendship that can cease has never been real. --Saint Jerome

30. "I count myselt in nothing else so happy As in a soul rememb'ring my good friends. " --William Shakespeare

31. "I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial. " – Thomas Jefferson

32. "Sir, more than kisses, letters, mingle souls; For, thus friends absent speak. " --John Donne

33. "Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end. " --John Boyle O'Reilly

34. Friends have all things in common. --Plato

35. Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods. --Artistotle

36. My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. --Henry Ford

37. "No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can f eel trust and reverence. "--George Eliot

38. "It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm, A happy and auspicious bird of calm... " --Shelly

39. The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. --Wilson Mizner

40. "The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters. " --Thomas Jefferson

01. There is no hope of joy except in human relations. --Exupery

02. "The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man's success in life." --Edward Everett Hale

03. "Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them." --Oliver Wendell Holmes

04. "The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this? " --Henry David Thoreau

05. "Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannogt congeal in winter. " --James Fenimore Cooper

06. "Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life. " --James Francis Byrnes

07. True friendship's laws are by this rule express'd, Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." --Alexander Pope

08. "One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter. " --Francoise Sagan

09. Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity. --Kahil Gibran

10. "There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart. " --Bejamin Disraeli

11. I no doubt deserved my enemie s, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. --Walt Whitman

12. True friendship is never serene. --Marquise de Sevigne

13. "When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance. " -Anatole Broyard

14. Friends are born, not made. --Henry Adams

15. "This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half. " --Francis Bacon

16. "Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose. " --Tehyi Hsieh

There was a king who had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any of his servants who made a mistake. One of the servants gave an opinion which was wrong, and the king didn’t like it at all. So he ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs.
 
The servant said, “I served you for ten years, and you do this to me? Please give me ten days before throwing me to those dogs!”
 
The king agreed. In those ten days, the servant went to the guard who looks after the dogs and told him he would like to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled but agreed, and the servant started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, bathing them and providing all sorts of comfort for them.
 
When the ten days were over, the king ordered that the servant be thrown to the dogs for his punishment. When he was thrown in, all were amazed to see the ravenous dogs only licking the feet of the servant! The king, baffled at what he was seeing, said, “What has happened to my dogs?”
 
The servant replied, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for a whole ten years and you forgot all, at my first mistake!”
 
The king realized his mistake and ordered the servant to be set free.
 
Be careful not to judge a person on one mistake!

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
August 6, 2017
Spiritual Ponderings
Toxic Behaviors
 
Most people that know me or who have heard me speak, know that throughout my life I have struggled with depression.  It is a part of my life that, thanks to some great counselors, I have learned to manage and control.  In many ways, I look back upon my battle with depression and time in counseling as a gift because the experiences have given me a greater self-awareness and this has allowed me to help others when they come to me with a variety of different issues that are bothering them. 
 
The other day, I was going through my stuff in an effort to simplify my life and I came across a box of papers that I had saved for future use but had since forgotten about.  As I went through this box of papers, I came across a paper that was titled “Seven Toxic Behaviors that Push People Away.”  Sadly, I do not remember which counselor who has gave it to me.  Upon finding it, I immediately thought that this would be a great topic for my Spiritual Pondering reflections.  So, over the next month, I would like to share with you my reflections on these seven toxic behaviors that people may do (knowingly or unknowingly) that ultimately end up poisoning and ruining relationships. 
 
Before, I dive into the seven toxic behaviors, I want to say a word about feelings, emotions, and temptations.  I think it is important to realize that feelings, emotions, and temptations are all neutral.  They are neither morally good or evil.  Remember that Jesus was tempted in the desert by the devil and He experienced a wide variety of emotions but never sinned.  When we feel an emotion like anger we should not beat ourselves up for feeling angry but instead we should explore why it is that we feel angry.  Often this will help us use our anger in a morally good way instead of allowing the feeling of anger to lead us to sin.  A person might be tempted to look at something inappropriate on the internet.  If he or she gives into the temptation and look at something inappropriate, then he or she has sinned.  However, if a person being tempted chooses to get up away from the computer and pray.  
 
                I am all for turning a weakness into a strength but that does not happen simply by ignoring our weaknesses.  The first step in becoming a better person is to admit that we need to improve.  The second step is to admit that is alright to be a person who needs to improve because everyone needs to improve.  The third step is to figure out what it is that we need to improve and to begin improving.  All of this presupposes that we have asked God for grace and strength.
Upon finding it, I immediately thought that this would be a great topic to tackle in my Spiritual Ponderings.  So, over the next month, I would like to focus on these 7 toxic behaviors.  Quotes from the paper will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font. 
 
First Toxic Behavior is Envy
Do not measure your life and success in comparison of someone else. Be your own person and live your life to your means. Constant envy and jealousy will only push people away because they will not want to be part of your consistent competition.
 
Someone wants told me that the reason why the seven deadly sins are so deadly is because they distort our reality.  For example, giving into pride distorts our reality by making us think that we are the center, purpose, or end of the universe instead of God.  Envy is the second of the seven deadly sins because it causes a distorted view of others.  Instead of seeing others as brothers and sisters in Christ, we see them as competition either for God’s love or happiness.  The truth of the matter is that there is no competition for God’s love because God’s love is infinite.  He loves all of us equally. 
 
Each of us has grown up in a world though built on competition which breeds envy.  When we are young we are told that we must be the smartest, most beautiful, the most talented, etc. When this happens, it is hard not to see everything as competition.  If, we keep looking for honor/fame, pleasure, power, or wealth to make you happy then others will be competition for you.   Getting over envy is all about focusing on the Father’s love for us.  The more we realize that God loves us all and that we are all different, it is easier to move away from envy and the desire/need to tear others down. 
 
In my own life, I used to desire to be an extravert because it seemed like priests who were extraverts had the ability to make their parish love them.  I realize that I can make a parish love me but it takes a little longer because as an introvert, I need more one-on-one time.  If I try to be the extravert that I am not, I will fail.  If I spend time getting mad that God made other people extraverts and not me, I will fail.  If I can compensate for not be an extravert by seizing opportunities like one-on-one meetings and small group meetings, I will succeed with God’s grace.
 
Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
August 13, 2017
Spiritual Ponderings
Toxic Behaviors
 
Growing up, I was often bullied by others.  No one should ever be bullied, I look back upon that time and see that I often did not help the situation by the ways I acted either.  Sometimes, I made myself a target.  For example there was a period in my life in which I tried to get others to like me by exaggerating my accomplishments.  Sadly my efforts to impress my peers made me more of a target.  When I finally stopped this behavior of telling tall tales in order to impress people; I found that fewer people would pick on me and I was actually beginning to make more friends.   As we continue to explore the idea of toxic behaviors I remind you that quotes from the handout will be in bold and my commentary is in plain text. 
 
Overly Sensitive
Try to remember that it's not always about you. People that over analyze everything and view things as a direct assault are destined to be lonely. No one wants to deal with the dramatics. If you're an overly sensitive person, do not take everything personally.
 
I have become a firm believer that most problems in a relationship happen out of neglect and not out of malice.  This fast pace world in which we all live in makes it hard to slow down and to ponder how our actions may end up impacting everyone we meet; we often forget to show gratitude to people who have helped us; and we often don’t take time to see if our words or actions have hurt someone.  When someone hurts us, while not always the case, we can still assume most of the time that the person who hurt us really did not mean to.  They were just too busy or caught up in their own world to see how their words or actions hurt us.
 
Another thing to remember is that the “issue is not always the issue.”  Sometimes people use surface level actions in order to address deeper issues.  For example, people who often go around pointing out other people’s faults often do so because they want to appear better by tearing others down or they want people looking at another person and not at them for fear that their weaknesses will be seen. 
 
I can remember one time that I was presenting the Church’s teaching on immigration and a after Mass a person verbally attacked me.  As I let him talk, I realized that he was not mad at me but he was rather upset because of a friend of his had been in a car accident caused by a man who had no insurance because he was an illegal immigrant. 

Victimize
Believing that you're the victim will only impose your bad attitude on others. Constant victimizing will cause you to feel powerless and weak, when in truth if you release yourself from the victim persona - you'll be more powerful than you ever imagined.

If there is one change that I have made in my life that has benefited me the most it is that I no longer see myself as a victim.  It used to be when bad things happen to me, I would simply sit there and cry about life not being fair.  Now when bad things come my way, I see them as opportunities to show how strong I am, to demonstrate my faith, and to help others by my example.  There are cases in life when someone may be a legitimate victim of a crime but many people today wear the “victim” label over such little things as the store not having the item they wanted, Mass running overtime, a sibling getting more attention than them, etc. 
 
I recently met a young teen age girl who had a disability that kept her in a wheelchair.   She did not see herself as a victim of her disability but rather she took it upon herself to be a source of joy to the people around her.  She was the loudest one when it came to cheering her campmates on the climbing wall.  She then impressed her all when without the use of her legs climbed the rock wall a good six feet in the air.  I know that when I began to feel down about myself, I will think about her and be inspired to carry on.  With God all things are possible.  With Jesus I am a victor and not a victim. 
 
Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
August 20, 2017
Spiritual Ponderings
Toxic Behaviors
 
I love the movie Star Wars: Empire Strikes Backs for many reasons.  The scenes in which Yoda teaches Luke about the ways of the Force, I find personally fool of wisdom.  For example at one point in the movie, Yoda places a huge task before Luke and even before Luke makes an effort he resigns himself to defeat to which Yoda quickly replies ““Do. Or do not. There is no try.”  Luke, convinced that the task before him is impossible makes a half-hearted attempt.  He is then amazed when Yoda is able to complete the task: This is Yoda being brutally honest with Luke, who breathlessly says, “I don’t believe it,” after his Master raises an X-wing from the Dagobah swamp. It’s a definitive statement that comes from Yoda’s years and years of experience as a Jedi and a teacher, and it cuts through both to Luke and the audience.
This little scene from the movie demonstrates the power of negative thinking.  (Quotes from my counseling handout will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font)
 
Negative Thinking
Everyone, at some point in their life, has suffered a tragedy or overcame an obstacle that seemed impossible. Allowing those low periods forever effect your thinking process will drive others away. No one wants to surround themselves with negativity because it is toxic. Pessimistic thinking takes more energy than a positive mind frame.
 
I will spend hours working with someone, if I think that they are giving it their all.  On the other hand, I have very little patience for someone who approaches a task convinced that they will never succeed.  A friend of mine was convinced that he would never be able to operate a computer and thus any attempt to show him was a waste of time.  Imagine my surprise when a few months later, I saw him walking around with a laptop.  He told me that he had saw another friend of his using one and he figured that if that friend could use a computer then he could.  The key to his success therefore was the attitude he brought to the task before him. 
 
People always want to be around people who will lift up their spirit and encourage them to be better.  No one wants to be around a pessimist.  If you discover that you are constantly being negative and driving people away let me suggest that you first begin by simply being quiet.  Just because you feel negative about a situation does not mean that you have to express it.  Second, try to see why other people in your situation have a sense of a hope or a reason to be optimistic.  Finally develop a sense of gratitude.  When you realize everything is a blessing from God then you begin to realize how blest you are and that begins to show.

Lack of Self-Control
There will be times when your patience is spread thin however this should not be the norm. Having a lack of self-control can bring on embarrassing situations - uncontrollable crying over small incidents, screaming at someone over spilled milk or getting upset over a mild over sight. A lack of self-control will bring up concerns for the people around you because they will not want to be an accessory to your behavior.
 
Here are some things to practice in order to help you grow in self-control.
1. Look at the big picture. - Ask yourself why the current situation bothers you.  Most likely it is because you have forgotten that God loves you and will provide for you.
2. Know the perils of inadequate sleep and stress. - Our bodies and souls are connected.  We need to make sure that we are well rested and find appropriate ways to deal with the stress that builds up in our bodies.
 
3. Relax already. - Soothe yourself, remind yourself that no matter what happens. God will still provide people in your life who love you for who you are.
4. Do some short bouts of exercise. - Exercise can help release endorphins and give you a sense of accomplishment.
5. Know yourself. - Know what your triggers are and what the temptations are that you face most often and develop a plan of action to combat them.
6. Avoid Impermanent - Keep command of your senses (and your tongue).  Don’t let a foreign substance rob you of your mental filter.
7. Enjoy the positive things going on - Take time to remind yourself of all the good things that you have going on in your life and all the great relationships God has given you. There is always something to be grateful for.
 
Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
August 27, 2017
Spiritual Ponderings
Toxic Behaviors
 
I was recently talking with a friend about this month’s spiritual ponderings topic about Toxic behaviors.  He responded to me by quoting Martin Luther King Jr: “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.”  I immediately knew that my friend was on to something.  Love is wanting what is best for another person even if it requires a sacrifice on my part and Jesus commands us to love ourselves within the context of the Law of Love.  Improving our lives by making the sacrifices necessary to overcome these toxic behaviors should therefore be an important part of the life of every Christian.  Two more toxic behaviors to confront, remember the quotes from the handout are in bold and my commentary is in regular font.

Superficial
Being overly judgmental will only force people to judge you because of your superficial nature. It's not fair to judge others with scrutiny. Some people only choose to show others a side that they want to see - this can go both ways, therefore it is not wise to pass judgment on others.
 
The following quote from Mother Teresa comes to mind every time I think about judging other people.  “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” 
 
I also think of an interview that Michael Bay the director of the Transformers movies gave.  In this interview he explained that he personally limited the dialogue of the evil robots in his first movie because he realized in his own life that people become less scary the more we hear them speak.  When I find people whom I want to judge and dismiss right away, I remember Michael Bay’s insight and I try to listen to them.  Most of the time, I discover that there is nothing to be scared of or that they are nothing like I thought they would be. 

Cruelty
Cruelty stems from a lack of empathy and compassion for others. Tearing people down is not the right way to treat people. In the long run cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason will hurt you. People enter your life for a reason, do not treat them cruelly and push them away.

When I was growing up, I worked in a pizza place where my manager would instruct us to work with the customer until he or she started to cuss.  If the customer started to cuss then according to the manager we had a right to hang up on the customer or walk away.  It was my manager’s philosophy that no one ever deserved to be cussed at or threaten.  I, think he was on to something. 
 
In my own life there are a few people who from time to time think that the best way for them to get what they want is to be intimidating and mean.  I guarantee that these people do not get what they want from me but instead they simply get me to pray for them that they will see that their temper will not get them what they want. 
 
I have also come to realize that it takes more strength to do things in a loving way instead of resorting to force.  St. Frances de Sales put it this way: "Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength." 
 
One last thought, I have come to believe that people are like turtles in that you have to make them feel safe if you want them to come out of their shells.  It is therefore good to avoid any form of violence or cruelty when dealing with another person. 
 
Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.  Amen.

1.            Avoid a Harsh Start Up
Sadly most arguments end the way they start.  If you choose to start an argument with harsh sounding words than 96% of the time or greater according to psychologists your argument will end negatively.  You have greater odds of success  if you can approach the person in whom you are in conflict in a kind and gentle manner.
 
2.            Remember the Difference between Dialoging and Conflict
Remember that dialogue is about two people wanting to discover the right answer or the best way to do something.  In conflict one or both parties are not interested in the truth but rather in “winning” the argument.  Try to make all conflict resolution about dialoguing and try not to make the other person the enemy that must be defeated at all costs.
 
3.            Avoid the Four Horsemen
Dr. Gottman a well known relation expert talks about four signs that can signal the end of a relationship much like the Four Horsemen in the Book of Revelation signal the end of the world. 
                a.            Criticism
When one brings up an issue it is alright to complain about it for example you can say dear “I am upset that you did not take out the garbage last night.”  You should not though criticize the other person by attacking their human nature “You lazy good for nothing person, you did not take the garbage out last night.”  Can you see the difference?  In the first statement you are simply stating a fact and in the second you are attacking the person.
                b.            Contempt
When you have contempt for a person it often means that you do not consider the person worth the time to treat them with even the common courtesy.  Some signs of having contempt for someone one may simply be not saying please or thank you, yelling loudly at them alone or in front of others, and by not listening to them.
                c.             Defensiveness
When a person has been attacked the most common response is not to agree with the person who is doing the attacking but rather to launch a counter attack.  If you really want to get to the truth of a situation or to a compromise, it is important to realize that becoming defensiveness will only lead to the other person getting mad at you for attacking them even if they were the ones who started it.
                d.            Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one or both parties simply withdraw from the argument.  Well the argument comes to an end the truth is rarely found and both parties normally end up feeling more hurt than united in a common cause.

4.            Avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error
The Fundamental Attribution Error is a psychological term which simply means that we are more likely to attribute sinister motives to others behaviors before we will attribute them to ourselves.  For example when someone does something bad to me I am more likely to assume that it is because they do not like me or they are simply evil but if I were to do the same thing to them, I would likely attribute my bad actions to the circumstances of my life.  To avoid the Fundamental Attribution Error we must all realize that we are all imperfect, that most times people do bad things out of neglect and not out of malice, and lastly that God created us all good.  Another way of stating it is always try to think positively about the other person.
 
5.            Remind Yourselves that You are on the same team
Our society has taught us to be very competitive with others since we were very young both in the world of athletics and in the classroom.  It is important to realize that we are not in competition with others 100% of the time and sometimes another person’s victory is my victory also. 
               
6.            Compromise
Honest compromise has nothing to do with just giving up but it has all to do with defining what is important to oneself and holding fast to that while respecting what is important to the other and while this is being done both parties look for a win-win situation. 
 
7.            Be tolerant of each other’s faults
Remember that no human being is perfect and so therefore when working with other people know that you must be willing to tolerate the faults of others and that they are tolerating your faults as well.
 
8.            Avoid Personal Attacks
It is important to judge each argument in the discussion on whether it is a good argument or not and not by who said it.  Remember that “even a broken clock is right twice a day.”  Being willing to accept others opinions and ideas may lead to solutions that one may never have thought of.
 
9.            Keep the Goal in Mind
Sometimes we can find ourselves getting off track and it is important to keep focus on solving the problem at hand and to let as much of the past be the past by not seeking opportunities for revenge or one up-man-ship because of past hurts.
 
10.          Get a Mediator
You should never be afraid of getting the help of someone else the more ideas the better.

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 3, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
Practical Relationship Advice
 
I am not sure how the month of February became associated with the ideas of love, lovers and romance but I have found the month of February to be an excellent month to reflect on these things.  As I was pondering what to say this month about love, I kept feeling God call me to speak about how love is really not so much a feeling but rather a series of choices.  I eventually came across this quote from St. Gregory the Great that I think summarizes my thoughts and feelings on love that I wish to share with you this month: “The proof of love is in the works.  Where love exists, it works great things.  But when it ceases to act, it ceases to exist.” 
 
While I will be doing a lot of writing about marriage, it is my hope that you will not limit these insights only to that great sacrament but rather that you may open them up to all sorts of relationships, family, friends, and even the enemies that we have in this life that Christ has called us to love.  For I believe that those things that make a good marriage also work well in strengthening everyday relationships.  For the month of February therefore I present to you ten practical ways in which we can strengthen our relationships with others and love everyone in a more Christlike manner. 
 
1.            Be the Best Person that You can Be.
One of the first pieces of advice that I give engaged couples is: “If you cannot live without each other, then don’t live with each other.”  Marriage and in fact all healthy relationships are about two independent people coming together and is not about two needy people feeding off of each other’s insecurities.  Blessed John Paul II great insight in the world of relationships was that the opposite of love is not hate but rather objectification.   If love is wanting what is best for the other person even if it requires me to make a sacrifice then the opposite of true love is using another person for my own selfish needs even if that means hurting them.  For example, I show my mother love by calling her each day.  I give/sacrifice to her fifteen minutes of my day so that she knows that I love her.  I do this not out of any other desire than to see her happy.   On the other hand if I was to only keep up a relationship with her in order to get money from her then I would be using her because I would have my best interest at the center of my heart and not her own. 
 
In order to be in a healthy relationship with others we must therefore strive to be an independent person and recognize the other person as an independent person and respect each other’s decisions.  If you enter into a relationship with fear as a primary motivator (the fear of being alone, the fear of not finding the right person, the fear of not being a part of the cool crowd) our relationships are destined to become dysfunctional.  While we might feel more comfortable being around a certain person and less fearful, we can at the same time become possessive and controlling of that same person if we fear losing them and the safe feeling that they give us.  Being controlling and possessive is never being loving.   Being the Best Person that I can be also means that I am giving to others that I am in relationship the best of me.
 
2.            Positive Sentiment Override
Positive Sentiment Override, also called Emotional Banking, is the psychological principal that the more positive feelings we have toward someone the more we will tolerate their faults.  If you think of every positive feeling you have toward someone as putting money into an emotional bank account and every negative feeling you have toward that same person as withdrawing money from that same account, you will react better to that person when you have some emotional currency in the account.  The more emotional currency the better your reaction will be. 
 
Fortunately for us, creating emotional currency is very different form making actual money.  One of the best ways that I make emotional currency is by stopping and saying a quick prayer of gratitude to God for the person that I am about to meet and while doing so I name three positive qualities about that person (trying to be as sincere as possible).  Over time I have used Positive Sentiment Override to change my relationships with coworkers, family and myself for the better.  Due to the emotional abuse that I received as a child, I had discovered that it is important for me to say a prayer to God each morning thanking Him for two to three things about myself.  This allows me to love myself better and when I love myself better than I am able to love others and God better. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 10, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
Practical Relationship Advice
 
As we continue our look at my top ten ways to improve your relationship marital and otherwise, I would like to look at some relationship insights from Dr. John Gottman.  When I was preparing my marriage preparation classes, Dr. Gottman was a counselor and author, which people recommended to me.  As I began to read his many books, I felt that most of what he was teaching made a lot of sense.  Dr. Gottman stated in many of his books that he believed in two important th

ings.  The first was that all good marriages are based on a deep lasting friendship in which both persons feel that their needs are being met.  The second premise was that the difference between a good marriage and a bad marriage was found in little things and not big things.  Couples who performed these little things well would stay married and couples who did not perform these little things well would end up getting divorce.  Happiness as a couple for him did not depend upon wealth, social status, or even how much arguing a couple did.  What mattered was small little choices that the couple made through the day. 
 
3.            Avoid the Harsh Start Up.
One of the little things that make for a good marriage according to Dr. Gottman in his book: The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide, From the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert concerns about how couples argue with one another.  For Dr. Gottman it was not how much arguing took place in a marriage but rather the way that couples argued that matter. 
 
Dr. Gottman states in his book: “The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between.  Statistics tell the story: 96 percent of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the fifteen minute interaction!  A harsh startup simply dooms you to failure.  So if you begin a discussion that way, you might as well pull the plug, take a breather, and start over.” 
 
People in a healthy relationship avoided what Dr. Gottman called a “harsh start up.”  In a harsh start up one person in the relationship begins an argument by attacking the other person’s character or human nature.  This often happens because one person instead of complaining about an event criticizes their partner about the event.  When a person complains according to Dr. Gottman he talks about an event for example: “You did not take out the garbage last night.”  When a person criticizes according to Dr. Gottman he attacks his spouse’s character and human nature for example: “You did not take out the garbage last night what are you worthless?”  You can see how just adding a few words changes and strengthens the emotional impact of the argument.   Many counselors encourage people to avoid criticism by using “I” statements instead of “you” statements for example: “I felt hurt when you…” verses “You made me mad…”  The trick is to remember to do this in the heat of an argument. 
 
4.            Don’t Be Afraid To Make A Sincere Apology
Many problems in relationships occur out of neglect and often we do not know or understand how we have hurt a person through our words, actions, or things that we did not do.  When people inform us of the hurt that we have unknowingly caused it is important to apologize for it and admit that if we would have know that our actions or non-actions would have hurt our friend then we would not have committed them. 
 
Asking for an apology also lets us relax and be human and part of being human is that we will make mistakes.  I have discovered that my best relationships are relationships in which I have apologized for hurting the other person without being aware of it and when they have apologized to me for the times that they have hurt me and they were unaware of it.  Part of what makes this possible is the unspoken guarantee that forgiveness will be granted when it is asked for.  We must avoid the temptation to punish people who have hurt us knowingly or unknowingly. 
 
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” – Mother Teresa. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 17, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
Practical Relationship Advice
 
As we continue our look at my top ten ways to improve your relationships, I would like to continue with some insights from Dr. Gottman.
 
5.            Avoid the Four Horsemen (Or Be Aware of the Warning Signs)
Dr. Gottman goes on in his book to talk about what he calls the “Four Horsemen of a relationship.”  The Four Horsemen in the Bible represent the coming of the end of the world and for Dr. Gottman there are four things that can warn us that the end of a relationship is near. 
 
The first of four horsemen is criticism.  As we mentioned in an earlier reflection criticism is all about attacking the other person’s human nature and trying to make them feel worthless.  Here are two of my favorite quotes from Dr. Gottman on criticism: “You will always have some complaints about the person you live with.  But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism.  A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed.  A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality,” and “Here’s the recipe:  To turn any complaint into a criticism, just add my favorite line: What is wrong with you?”
 
Criticism which can be found in many good marriages will eventually lead to the second and worse of the four horsemen called Contempt:  “This sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.  So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, and hostile humor.  In whatever form, contempt—the worst of the four horsemen—is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.  It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her.  Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than reconciliation.” How many times do we treat family members worse than we treat business associates and strangers?  This is because on some level we have developed a contempt for them.
 
The third of the four horsemen is defensiveness.  Dr. Gottman explains: “Although it’s understandable that a person would defend herself, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect.  The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize.  This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.  You’re saying, in effect, ‘The problem isn’t me, it’s you.’  Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.”
 
“Where discussion begins with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out.  This heralds the arrival of the fourth horsemen,” explains Dr. Gottman.  The final of the four horsemen is Stonewalling and this is what happens when one person in the relationship is to hurt, wounded, or angry to continue to discussion/argument.  According to Dr. Gottman: “Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded.  Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity—whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness—is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked.  You feel so defenseless against the sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay.  The more often you feel flooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hyper-vigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again.  All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse’s onslaught causes.  And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship.”
 
The important things to remember is that the four horsemen are warning signs and that much of this could be avoided if we learn to complain and not criticize others.  Keep in mind the idea of positive sentiment override also. 
 
“It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another. Lovers who have nothing else to do but love each other soon find there is nothing else. Without a central loyalty life is unfinished.” – Fulton Sheen. 

Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 24, 2013
Spiritual Ponderings
Practical Relationship Advice
 
It is hard to believe that the month of February is almost over and I still have five more things on my top ten list.  Let us get to work:
 
6.            Dialogue verses Conflict – Be Attentive to Repair Attempts
In a dialogue two or more people come together in order to find the truth or the best way to do something but in a conflict at least one person is more concern about “winning” the argument than about finding the truth or the best way to do something.
 
7.            Know the difference Between Solvable and perpetual problems. 
Dr. Gottman divides problems into two different types: solvable and perpetual.  Solvable problems are problems that couples can eventually solve through working together and compromise.  Perpetual problems are not necessarily problems that the couple can control for example a mother-in-law.  The important thing with perpetual problems is that couples develop a plan for when the these problems come up that both people can live with. 
 
8.            Practice Good Conflict Resolution
“My fifth principle (practice good conflict resolution) comes down to having good manners” summarized Dr. Gottman.
1.         Complain but don’t blame                 
2.         Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”
3.         Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge.                       
4.         Be clear.
5.         Be polite                                             
6.         Be appreciative          
7.         Don’t store things up.
 
9.            Acknowledge Emotion
Dr. Gottman is a big believer that it is important to acknowledge someone’s emotions (which are always neutral) in addition to addressing behavior.  “I understand that you are mad, but that was not the way you should handle the situation” is much better than saying “What in the heck did you do that far?” 
 
As a priest, I have learned a lot about the power of emotional facts.  An emotional fact is a fact that someone believes to be true even if there is no actual proof of it to be so.  Sometimes emotional facts have more control over a person’s thought process than real facts. 
 
10.          Understand the Meaning of Money
There are some people out there that believe that money is the number one reason for marital conflict and divorce.  Dr. Gottman would agree with them to a certain extent.  For Dr. Gottman most money issues are not issues about money but what the money represents: our dreams and hopes: “since money is symbolic of many emotional needs—such as for security and power—and goes to the core of our individual value system.” 
 
In one of his books Dr. Gottman talks about a couple who were heading toward divorce because the wife wanted to have a cabin in the woods and the husband wanted to have so much money in their savings and there was no way that they could do both.   When he got them talking about what the money symbolized to them he discovered that the wife had a dream of giving to her children what she enjoyed as a child (hanging out in the country on weekends) and that the husband was actually trying to avoid a nightmare (ending up in a state run nursing home like his uncle).   Once they stopped talking about money and began talking about their dreams they were able to understand where each other were coming from and could make a compromise that both could live with.  What does money symbolize for you?
 
“As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” – John Paul II

Lost . . . A Word*
I lost a word yesterday,
Unguarded, from my tongue;
It slipped into the atmosphere -
Then trouble had begun.

A dozen others followed it;
They filled the room with grief,
No matter then what word was said,
It could not bring relief.


If only I had stopped that word
Before it crossed my lips,
My day had been a happy one -
And sweet with fellowships.


I think I wasted yesterday,
Hurt self as well as friend,
Today I want to watch my words,
And let not one offend.
Gertrude McDaniel

Cardinal Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan was a Vietnamese bishop who spent over 25 years in imprisonment for his faith. In the midst of that time he wrote a book on the back of old calendars that he was eventually able to have smuggled out of Vietnam. The book was called "The Road of Hope: A Gospel from Prison." I have been inspired by many parts of this book and his entire life. One particular quote that has touched me is:
 
There are many types of charity. There is the noisy type of charity, broadcasting good deeds; the banker’s charity that demands credit for everything done for another; the charity of a zookeeper that only involves food programs, the patronizing charity that looks down on those who receive; the dictator’s charity that will only follow its own opinion; the charity of the fraud that must exhibit what it accomplishes.
 
The following is a guided reflection based on the above quote.
Thuan, Francis Xavier Nguyen Van Thuan: The Road Of Hope: A Gospel from Prison(Boston: Pauline Books & Media, 2001)
 

	THE BROADCASTER The broadcaster who is one who will help another person but in exchange wants to be able to broadcast to everyone how great he or she is for helping. Are you a broadcaster when you serve?   1. Do you want people to know all the good things you are doing or can you do a good deed every once in a while without receiving public recognition? 2. Do you look to see how much prestige you might gain before deciding whether or not to help someone? 3. Do you help others only to win their esteem? 4. Do you complain when you do a good deed and do not receive any recognition for it? 5. Do you like to list your accomplishments for others because you feel that you have to in order to impress them?
	THE BANKER The banker will help another person but only in situations where he or she is sure to be repaid. They are like bankers who give a person a loan but expect to be repaid with interest.   1. Do you only do good deeds when you are sure to get something out of it for yourself? 2. Do you demand other people to pay you back for good deeds? 3. What was your last good deed that you did that you did not receive repayment for? 4. Do you expect the people you helped to treat you differently because of the help you gave them? 5. When asking people for help, do you simply ask them for it or do you feel the need to always remind them of how you helped them first?
	ZOO KEEPER The zoo keeper is interested in only helping people with the physical needs. He or she has no desire to get to know the person they are helping as a person. The zoo keeper is only interested in making sure everyone has food, water, and shelter and not about any spiritual needs the person may have like the need to feel love or useful.   1. When you help someone do you take the time to find out more about them, like their name or personal story? 2. When you meet people who are in need are you friendly and kind to them? 3. Do you take the time to help friends through difficult situations by simply listening to them? 4. Do you ever encourage someone to pray about their situation? 5. Do you see each person as a person or do you judge them by their so called "quality of life"?
	THE HIGH & MIGHTY PERSON The high and mighty person loves to help others because it gives him or her a sense of superiority. They believe that helping others makes them look good and the person they are helping look bad.   1. When helping other people do you like to rub it in their face? 2. Do you like to constantly remind others how you helped them in order to receive more gratitude from them? 3. Do you like to chastise people as you help them? 4. Do you only help another when it will gain you fame or attention? 5. Do you expect others to treat you differently because of the good works you have done?
	THE DICTATOR The dictator is the type of person who does not mind helping others but only if everyone agrees to do it his or her way. The dictator is not so much interested in loving and serving others but rather more into controlling others. 1. Do you always have to get your way if you are going to help? 2. Can you be a part of a service organization and not get your way? 3. Do you find yourself insisting on your way of doing things? 4. Do you ever listen to others or allow others to give their advice on how to solve a problem? 5. Do you quit helping others if you do not get your way?
	THE THEIF The thief is the type of person who joins a group that are helping others only to steal the credit. He or she really does not carry their own weight in the project and sometimes are more of a problem then they are a help.   1. Do you give to the best of your ability when you help others? 2. Do you feel the need to take credit for everything the group is doing? 3. Do you lurk around the leaders of the group in order to be noticed? 4. Are you willing to do a job even if no one notices it? 5. Do you brag about your efforts instead of talking about the successes of the team?
	THE CHRISTIAN The Christian motivation for service comes from the Cross and the Sacred Scriptures. In the Cross the Christian sees in a very real way the immense love God has for him or her and then he or she is motivated by a desire to return that love by serving their brothers and sisters in Christ. The Scriptures are a love letter from God giving the Christian the way of life they should live. They are inspired by Jesus' parables and His example at the Last Supper and they do not wish to be found unworthy of the kingdom of heaven.   1. Do you see Christ in the people that you are serving? 2. What is your motivation for service? 3. Is service to others a necessity, a burden or an opportunity? Why? 4. What stories of service from the Bible motivate you? 5. How can you show others the love in your heart in a similar way to the way God show us His love for us through the Cross?

You have heard that it was said, YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.' "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matthew 5:43-44)

Jesus’ command to love our enemies is a hard enough commandment in itself when we think of our enemies as people who want to do us physical harm like terrorists or people in another country but it becomes even harder when we realize that our enemies are often people much closer to us like our coworkers and even family members.  How then are we to put this tough teaching of Christ into practice?  I personally have found these psychological practices that help me love the people in my life whether I consider them my enemy or not. 

1.            Positive or Negative Charge.
The first one I wish to talk about I learned about from a management class for priests called Good Leaders Good Shepherds.  The instructor stood up in front of the classroom of priests and asked each one of us to state our three most positive qualities.  I told the room that I was “smart,” “organized” and “loyal,” and the room of priests all agreed that those three words described me very well.  Then the instructor asked each of us to state the negative expression of each of those traits.   Not the opposite but the negative.  So for “smart” I said “know it all,” for “organized” I said “control freak,” and for “loyal” I said “follower.”  All the priests in the room agreed that those words also described me very well also.  I began to realize then that sometimes when people are looking at me with a negative bent they are seeing my positive qualities in a negative light and I also realize that I am guilty of doing that to others as well.  So now when I am really frustrated with someone, I try to take the time to find the positive expression of the negative thing I am seeing.  It has helped me greatly in my struggle to love everyone.

2.            Positive Sentiment Override.
The second thing is very similar in the sense that psychologists tell us that we treat people better when our positive feelings for them out weight our negative feelings toward them.  I therefore take the time to think of positive attributes of a person before I meet with them about something.  I especially do this when I am meeting with someone I find extremely difficult to work with.

3.            Fundamental Attribution Error.
Another great thing I learned about people is that our first instinct is to criticize people more when they do bad things.  We will often say that they did the bad thing because they were evil or rotten but instead of saying the same thing about ourselves we are more likely to blame our circumstances.  I had to do it because… This is what psychologists refer to as the Fundamental Attribution Error.  It basically means that we often attribute for more cynical motives to others people behavior than our own.  Realizing that this is a fault that we all share in helps me understand that the other person more than likely did not plan to hurt me in the way that they did and therefore I am able to forgiven them easier.

4.            Avoid Zero Sum Game.
A lot of our society is based on competition.  The idea being if I am winning someone else is losing and if someone else is winning I must be losing.  A lot of life though is not competition but rather opportunities for us to see that another person’s successes are my successes and my success are other people’s successes.  Maybe the best way to describe this is that there is a certain maturity level that happens when one can play a game with a preschooler and let the preschooler win.  Seeing the joy in the preschooler’s face is worth more than any easy victory over the child could ever give. 

5.            Firm Identity in God.
The key and most fundamental part of all of this is what is your identity rooted in?  If it is rooted in other’s people opinions then you will always be in a precarious situation because people’s attitudes are often very fickle.  If your identity however is rooted in the knowledge that God loves you and has made you special then the storm can rock your most in most calm.