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1) Jokes About Preaching
1. A little boy pulls on the preacher's hand to get his attention. Then says, "I'm going to give you money when I grow up." The preacher says, "Thank you very much but why do you want to give me money when you grow up?" The little boy replies, "My dad says that you are the "poorest" preacher we have ever had." -
2) Jokes About Priests
1. A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?” He told him he was a priest, and this is the uniform priest's wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?” The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So, the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?” “Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
2) A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jesuit said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!" -
3) Kids and Religion
1) Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joey, is this really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it
2)Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."
3) A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.
Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?" -
4) Nationality Jokes
1) An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
2) In a small country village in Sicily, there were two brothers, renowned members of the local Mafia. They were mean, bad and very rich. No one had a good word to say about them. Indeed, everyone seemed to have a story about how they had either been cheated or maligned by the brothers.
One day, one of the brothers, Luigi died. The surviving brother, Jo - with a rare touch of conscience felt that something nice should be said about his brother Luigi at the funeral. So he went to the local vicar and said: I know that folk in the village hate us, and they don’t know the half of what we have been up to. However, I want you to say something nice about Luigi at his funeral. I want you to say that Luigi was a saint when you preach. If you will agree to do that, I’ll show my gratitude by giving $100,000.00 towards the repair of the church. And here’s the check for the amount. If you don’t, you know my reputation. The vicar thought about it fleetingly agreed and took the check.
A week later, the whole village turned out for the funeral, and everyone wondered what the vicar would say. After the opening hymns had been sung and the readings had been read, the vicar climbed up into the pulpit and delivered his sermon. Eyeing the brother, sitting in the front row, the vicar said how evil the pair of them had been. He went on to say how Luigi had cheated, not only in business but on his wife, how he had lied and how had had no concern for anyone but himself. In fact, he went on to say what a downright scoundrel Luigi had been.
After ten minutes of preaching in this vein, the vicar, being the man of integrity, ended his sermon with these words: "But compared to his brother, Jo - Luigi was a saint -
4) Easter Jokes
1
) Easter CandyBoy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won’t give you a bruise." 7
Boy 2: "It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!"2) Stressed?
Q: What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an overstressed person?
A: An Easter basket case!3) Mouthful
Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?"
A: "Because it doesn’t taste as good if I stuff it in my ears."4) Egg Mystery
Q: What do you need if your chocolate eggs mysteriously disappear?
A: You need an eggsplanation!5) Wet Rabbit
Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare dryer!6) Easter Bunny Like Shaq?
Q: How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O’Neal?
A: They’re both famous for stuffing baskets!
7) Rules For Eating Easter Candy
*If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
*Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
*Diet tip: Eat an Easter egg before each meal.
*It'll take the edge off your appetite, and that way you'll eat less.
*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
*If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
*Money talks. Chocolate sings.
*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
*The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate eggs home from the store in a hot car.
*The solution: Eat the eggs in the car park.
*Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. -
5) Wedding & Marriage Jokes
1. ImagineI heard of a couple who, as they were paying for groceries in the check-out line, were discussing their soon to be 50th wedding anniversary, when the young cashier interjected by saying, "I can’t imagine being married to same man for 5o years!"
The wife wisely replied, teaching the young girl a lesson at the same time, "Well, Honey, don’t get married until you can.”2. Historical verses. Hysterical
A man, who was telling his friend about an argument he'd had with his wife, commented, "Oh, how I hate it. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical." The friend replied, "You mean 'hysterical.'" "No," he insisted, "I mean historical. Every time we argue, she drags up everything from the past and holds it against me."3. Having A Wife
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." -
6) Prayer Jokes
So Far, So Good
Atheist Dial-a-Prayer
So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help. Thank you. In Jesus name. Amen
They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - You call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers.
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