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1) Love is like a Fine Win
I
n the middle ages the local monastery was often the center of a town not only for the religious life of a community but because the monks often produced things such as bricks, food, and alcohol products which the monks sold to support their life of prayer. The monks put such care into the production of their products especially in regards to their production of beer and wine that often a monastery’s reputation depended upon the quality of the beer and wine they produced
There was a monastery though that no matter how hard they worked the wine they produced was horrible. It was not that the monks were not holy and thus dedicated to their work but instead it was that the water in the region was filled with sentiments that hampered the production process. The grapes in the area were not of the highest quality either so no matter what the monks did the wine still tasted horrible.
One day a monk took a couple of bottles of wine and ejected yeast into the bottle. He shook it up and popped the cork. He repeated the process over and over. The monk soon discovered that the injection of yeast and the subsequent discharge from the wine bottle after popping the cork removed the sentiment from the wine and thus he created a great tasting wine.
The wine was named after the region of France where the monastery was located and so Champagne was invented and the very best champagne was named after the monk Don Perignon.
Some people say good love is like a fine wine in that it keeps getting better as the days go by and this is what we celebrate on a couple’s wedding day.
We celebrate the love that the bride and groom have for each other has reached a new level. This is demonstrated by the fact that they are willing to stand before God, family, and friends to make certain promises.
They promise to give their very being to his or her spouse in marriage. Marriage is the closest and most intimate of human friendships. It involves the sharing of one whole self with your spouse. Marriage calls for a mutual self-surrender so intimate and complete that the bride and groom will become “one.”
They promise to be faithful to their spouse till death do them part. Because marriage is a mutual gift of self to one’s spouse, this intimate union excludes such union with anyone else. It demands the total fidelity to one’s spouse. This exclusivity is essential for the good of any marriage.
They promise to love their spouse as Christ loves the Church and because of this marriage is indissoluble. The bride and groom are not being joined to each other by passing emotions or mere erotic inclination, which, if selfishly pursued, fade quickly away. They are being joined by God and through their own firm and irrevocable free act of consent in an unbreakable bond of love.
Love as we all know though is not some magical thing but rather something that is developed over time and will require both the bride and groom to work hard to keep it flowing in their life as husband and wife.
It is therefore important for the couple to always remember who they are and where they have come from. Each bride and groom knows that they are not perfect. Like the grapes and water in the story about champagne they both come with certain shortcomings because they are both human beings.
Each future spouse should also be aware of the shortcomings in their future spouse and in a deep sense it is these shortcomings that have called them to each other and to this point so that they may complete each other and become one. Please always keep this in mind and remember that together there are no problems in life that a married couple will not be able to overcome. When a couple is married they are no longer alone in this world. From now on they are equal partners with their spouse and together with God they will be able to face any challenge that comes your way.
In order to reach the full flavor of a great love God injects yeast into life of married couples. Married individuals should always take time to be caught up in the yeast of family. As a married couple they will need time alone to develop their love but it is important for them to remember that they have both come from families who have done their best to nurture them. Remain close to them and never isolate yourself from their love.
There is no rulebook for marriage. No matter how much advice a couple receive some things in marriage must be experienced. Remember that married couples are not alone in these first time experiences for God has given them many good friends to accompany them along the way. Married couples should stay close to the friends who build them up and share their experiences together. They will find life is much sweeter when shared with friends.
From time to time married couples will find their relationship under pressure like the wine injected with yeast before the cork is popped. There will be times of trial and sufferings and these will be the times when their love and marriage will be tested. On those days married couples should look upon their wedding day and see all the support they have from God, the Church, family and friends and know together that they will be able to overcome any obstacle and their marriage will grow stronger because of the pressure.
My last piece guidance to married couples is that they should celebrate together. For just as champagne is only a liquid in a pretty bottle until the bottle is uncorked so spouses need to celebrate their marriage and love by celebrating life. Remember nothing is too small to celebrate.
May God always be with each married couple, May their family and friends always surround them, and may they celebrate life to the fullest by truly loving each other. -
2) The Promise by Thorton Wilder
I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you
gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults.
And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect
people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage.
And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that
protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise. -
3) What Does the Church mean by Marriage?
The following comes from Christopher West’s book: The Good News about Sex and Marriage.
Marriage is the intimate, exclusive, indissoluble communion of life and love entered by man and woman at the design of the creator for the purposes of their own good, and the procreation and education of children; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.
Intimate communion of love and love. Marriage is the closest and most intimate of human friendships. It involves the sharing of the whole of a person’s life with his or her spouse. Marriage calls for a mutual self-surrender so intimate and complete that the two spouses become “one.”
Exclusive. As a mutual gift of two persons to each other, this intimate union excludes such union with anyone else. It demands the total fidelity of the spouses. This exclusivity is essential for the good of the couple’s children as well.
Indissoluble. Husband and wife are not joined by passing emotions or mere erotic inclination, which, selfishly pursued, fade quickly away. They’re joined by God in an unbreakable bond of love through the firm and irrevocable act of their own consent…
Entered by man and woman. The complementarily of the sexes is essential to marriage. There is such widespread confusion today about the nature of marriage that some would wish to extend a legal “right” to marry to two persons of the same sex. But the very nature of marriage makes such a proposition impossible.
At the design of the Creator. God is the Author of marriage. He inscribed the call to marriage in our very being by creating us as male and female. Marriage is governed by his laws, faithfully transmitted by his Bride, the Church. For marriage to be what it’s intended to be, it must conform to these laws. Human beings, therefore, are not free to change the meaning and purpose of marriage.
For the purpose of their own good. “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Gn 2:18). Thus, it’s for their own good. For their benefit, enrichment, and ultimately their salvation, that a man and woman join their lives in the covenant of marriage. Marriage is the most basic (but not the only) expression of the vocation to love that all men and women have as persons made in God’s image.
And the procreation and education of children. The fathers of Vatican II declared: “By their very nature, the institution of marriage itself and conjugal love are ordained for the procreation and education of children and find in them their ultimate crown.” Children are not added on to the marriage and conjugal love, but spring from the very heart of the spouses’ mutual self-giving as its fruit and fulfillment. Intentional exclusion of children, then, contradicts the very nature and purpose of marriage. -
4) Praying together as a Couple!
“It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another…” – Archbishop Fulton Sheen
This is a cool method for engaged and married couples to use to pray together.
1. If possible sit in a way that allows you to face each other. If possible hold hands.
2. While looking at each other the guy begins: “Dear God, I thank you for my fiancé/spouse and I am grateful for her (name 1-3 things you are grateful for). Please help me become the husband she needs me to be by giving me the grace to (name 1-3 things that you would like to improve about yourself).
3. Pause for a moment of silence. It is important at this time that the woman just to receive her fiancé/spouse’s prayer.
4. Then it is time for the woman to pray: “Dear God, I thank you for my fiancé/spouse and I am grateful for him (name 1-3 things you are grateful for). Please help me become the wife he needs me to be by giving me the grace to (name 1-3 things that you would like to improve about yourself).
5. Pause for a moment of silence. It is important at this time for the man just to receive his fiancé/ spouse’s prayer
6. At this time allow each other to pray for other things that may be on your mind i.e. safe travel, sick relative, etc.
7. Conclude the petitions with the Our Father.
8. Conclude your prayer time in one of the following ways…
Option 1.
Read the following passage from Tobit 8:4-8:
When Sarah’s parents left the bedroom and closed the door behind them, Tobiah rose from bed and said to his wife, “My sister, come, let us pray and beg our Lord to grant us mercy and protection.” She got up, and they started to pray and beg that they might be protected. He began with these words: “Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors; blessed be your name forever and ever! Let the heavens and all your creation bless you forever. You made Adam, and you made his wife Eve to be his helper and support; and from these two the human race has come. You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a helper like himself.’ Now, not with lust, but with fidelity I take this kinswoman as my wife. Send down your mercy on me and on her, and grant that we may grow old together. Bless us with children.” They said together, “Amen, amen!”
Option 2.
Read 1 Corinthians 12:31-13:8a:
Strive eagerly for the greatest spiritual gifts. But I shall show you a still more excellent way. If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
9. Recite together one of the closing prayers
Closing Prayer 1 (If Married):
O God, who in creating the human race willed that man and wife should be one and have joined us, your servants, in a bond of inseparable love and have united us in the covenant of marriage, help us to make our love fruitful so that we may become by your grace witness of charity itself. We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ, you Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever. Amen
Closing Prayer 2 (If Engaged):
Please be attentive to our prayers, O Lord and in your kindness pour out your grace on us your servants. As we prepare to come before your altar together and to be united by you in an unbreakable bond of love and peace, please confirm us in love for one another and for you. We ask through our Lord Jesus Christ, Your Son, who lives and reigns with you in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, forever and ever.
Amen -
5) Value of a MarriageOne of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented to the execs realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other. Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.
Gottman, John and Nan Silver: The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide From the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).
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6) Tough Questions Answered About Marriage
A Question of Rights
Q: Isn’t same sex marriage just a matter of civil rights – similar to the civil rights movement of the 1960’s?
A: No. The question of interracial marriage in the 1960’s was who can get married. The question of same sex marriage today is what marriage is. This isn’t a matter of society allowing or not allowing something. This is a question of whether or not something is possible. It’s not a question of civil rights whether men should be allowed to breastfeed – they can’t.
It’s not a question of civil rights whether a man should be allowed to be a mother – he can’t.
Similarly, the question here is not whether I should be allowed to marry whomever I choose. The question is whether a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, can form the kind of union that is marriage.
If marital union is only a matter of affection then they can, and it’s a matter of civil
rights. But if marital union is also the kind of union from which children come – even if no children actually come from it – then they can’t. The bodies of a same sex couple don’t go together that way.
It’s not a matter of denying someone’s civil rights – which we should never do. It’s a matter of admitting what is and isn’t possible.
A Question of Acceptance
Q: Isn’t same sex marriage essentially a matter of letting consenting adults decide what to do with their own bodies?
A: Consenting adults also engage in adultery, prostitution, polygamy and incest. Are those OK? Should we endorse them, because consenting adults decide to do them? If whatever consenting adults decide to do with their bodies should be ruled in, then adultery, prostitution, polygamy and incest must be ruled in.
If adultery, prostitution, polygamy and incest are ruled out, then we can’t automatically rule in whatever consenting adults decide to do with their bodies.
Q: What’s so special about sexual intercourse between a man and a woman? Isn’t sexual intercourse just an expression of affection between persons?
A: Look at the bodies of men and women. They were made for a particular kind of union with each other. The sexual union of a man and a woman is the kind of union from which children come, even if no children actually come from it. The sexual union of a same sex couple is not the kind of union from which children come – it is a different kind of thing. The organs of our body are complete in themselves with respect to one end: sustaining our life. But the organs of our body are incomplete in themselves with respect to one end: reproduction. In sexual intercourse, the bodies of a man and a woman actually become one, similar to the way in which our organs are one in the body. In this way, the nature of marital union is “written into” the body.
Q: Shouldn’t same sex marriage be allowed, because you can’t tell someone else what’s right or wrong for them?
A: Every law – from tax laws to gun laws – requires people to do something or refrain from doing something. We have laws because there are some things that we want to say people must do or shouldn’t do. This is not a good principle, because it rules out all laws.
Q: What’s the difference between an infertile heterosexual couple and a same sex couple? Since neither can have children, isn’t it unjust to treat them differently?
A: Think of the bodies involved. The union of an infertile heterosexual couple is still the kind of union from which children come, even if no children actually come from it. The union of a same sex couple is not the kind of union from which children come – it is a different kind of thing. In order for a law to be unjust (or to constitute discrimination) it has to treat things differently when they are, in fact, the same. But man/woman unions and same sex unions are not, in fact, the same kind of thing.
Q: Shouldn’t same sex marriage be allowed, because it doesn’t harm anyone else?
A: If things are OK as long as they don’t harm anyone else, then anorexia and bulimia must be OK because they don’t harm anyone else. If anorexia and bulimia aren’t OK even though they don’t harm anyone else, then “not harming anyone else” isn’t enough to make a thing OK. This isn’t a good principle, because it rules in too much.
Q: Shouldn’t same sex marriage be allowed because same-sex attraction has genetic or behavioral or neurochemical bases?
A: If things are OK as long as they have genetic or behavioral or neurochemical bases, then alcoholism and depression and schizophrenia must be OK because they have genetic or behavioral or neurochemical bases. If alcoholism and depression and schizophrenia aren’t OK even though they have genetic or behavioral or neurochemical bases, then “having genetic or behavioral or neurochemical bases” isn’t enough to make a thing OK. This isn’t a good principle, because it rules in too much.
Q: Shouldn’t we be tolerant and nonjudgmental toward people whose ideas are different from our own?
A: Everyone makes judgments. Those who claim that we should be nonjudgmental are saying that it is wrong to make judgments – but isn’t that a judgment about people with different ideas? We need to ask: was Jesus tolerant and nonjudgmental toward people whose ideas differed from his own? No – Jesus loved people and drew moral lines. We need to follow His example.A Question of Scripture
Q: I understand that the book of Leviticus condemns homosexual behavior (Lv 18). But the book of Leviticus says a lot of other things, too – for example, that you can possess slaves (25:44-46), and that you can’t get the hair around your temples cut (19:27). With statements like these, why should we take the condemnation of homosexual behavior in Leviticus seriously?
A: The book of Leviticus does say some things that strike us as odd. But:
1) A general rule for reading the Bible is that you cannot take particular quotes in isolation from the whole Old Testament. You have to look at the Old Testament as a whole, and ask what it says about sexual relations. The treatment of homosexual behavior in Leviticus is consistent with the message of the whole Old Testament regarding God’s plan for sexual relations. That’s a reason to take it seriously.
2) There are some things in the Old Testament that don’t carry through to the New Testament, and some things that do. For example, the New Testament does not uphold the kosher laws or the law of circumcision. But the New Testament does uphold the condemnation of homosexual behavior – see Romans 1:24-27, 1 Corinthians 6:9‐10 and 1 Timothy 1:8-11. When something is forbidden in the Old Testament and in the New Testament, that’s a reason to take it seriously.
Q: I understand that St. Paul condemns homosexual behavior (Rom 1:24‐27; 1 Cor 6:9-10; 1 Tim 1: 8-11). But St. Paul says a lot of other things, too – for example, that slaves should obey their masters (Eph 6:5), and that women should wear veils in Church (19:27). With outdated statements like these, why should we take the condemnation of homosexual behavior in St. Paul seriously?
A: St. Paul does say some things that strike us as odd. But:
A general rule for reading the Bible is that you cannot take particular quotes in isolation from the whole. So, for example, you have to look at the New Testament as a whole, and ask what it says about sexual relations.
The treatment of homosexual behavior in Saint Paul is consistent with the message of the whole New Testament regarding God’s plan for sexual relations. If you dismiss St. Paul, you have to dismiss the whole New Testament. That’s a reason to take it seriously. -
7) Tough Questions About Marriage
The following is adapted from Allen Hunt's book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage:
1. As a couple, sit facing each other. Join hands. Look one another in the eye.
2. Take turns doing the following exercise.
3. Let the wife go first.
4. As you look at your husband say, “Please forgive me for _______,” and then complete the sentence. Do not add an “if” or a “but.” No explanations—just a simple apology for something done or said that you regret. It is best if this is for something from the past week rather than dredging up issues from the distant past. Starting anew with a fresh breeze of grace.
5. Husband, look at your wife, simply say, “I forgive you.” Add nothing else. Just receive her apology and offer forgiveness.
6. Begin again. Now reverse the roles with the husband apologizing and the wife forgiving…
7. Resist the temptation to expand the conversation in this exercise. There will be plenty of time later to have longer discussions. The goal right here and now is simply to learn to apologize and to forgive well. No more, no less.
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