Fr. Thomas M. Pastorius
February 14, 2016
Spiritual Ponderings
21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage

I always start off reading books about marriage in order to improve my marriage preparation programs and marital counseling skills but I always learn so much about relationships in general. This was once again true as I read Dr. Allen Hunt’s book: The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage. Quotes from his book will be in bold and my commentary will be in regular font.

04. The Secret of Bedrock: for a marriage to work it is important to share everything, including the deepest values in your heart.
“What is the secret of bedrock? Prayer. Prayer that leads to a spiritual life together as a couple. A spiritual life together than will give you the same values and convictions in your heart so that the two of you are driving your relationship in the same direction at the same time in all settings. A deep melding will bind you together as a couple, and that bond will sustain you in ways you can never anticipate at the beginning. You shared spiritual life will serve as the mortar between the bricks of your home, pulling all the various parts together and holding them together as a unified whole.
The following is the Prayer Process that Dynamic Catholics suggests:
1). Gratitude: Begin by thanking God in a personal dialogue for whatever you are most grateful for today.
2). Awareness: Revisit the times in the past twenty-four hours when you were and were not the best-version-of-yourself. Talk to God about these situations and ask him to give you the gift of greater awareness when similar situation arise in the future.
3). Significant Moments: Identify something that you experienced today and explore what God might be trying to say to you through that event.
4). Peace: As God to forgive you for any wrong you have committed (against yourself, another person, or Him) and to fill you with a deep and abiding peace.
5). Freedom: Talk to God about how He is inviting you to change your life so that you can experience the freedom that comes from knowing that who you are, where you are, and what you are doing make sense. Is He inviting you to rethink the ways you do things? Is God asking you to let go of something or someone? Is He asking you to hold on to something or someone?
6). Pray For Others: Pray for those who you feel called to pray for today, and those who have asked you to pray for them recently. Take a moment and pray for these people by name, asking God to bless and guide them.
7). Finish by praying the Our Father.
I can only imagine how strong a relationship would become if people felt free to pray the previous method out loud knowing that the person with them was going to respect and treasure the experience of watching the other pray.

Couple Prayer Method
The best method I have found for praying with your spouse is as follows. Step 1: Husband prays “Dear God I thank you for my wife (insert name) because (name two or three qualities that you appreciate). Help me become a better husband by (name two or three things/areas of your life that you need to improve). Step 2: Wife prays “Dear God I thank you for my husband (insert name) because (name two or three qualities that you appreciate). Help be become a better wife by (name two or three things/areas of your life that you need to improve). Step 3 (Optional) Thank God for each child making sure to give a reason why you are grateful. Step 4: end by praying the Our Father together. Praying this way helps spouses know that they are loved and appreciated and that their spouse is still striving to be a better person.

05. Marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand. You have to tend it.
They (marital researchers) look for a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. A 5:1 ratio as the couple relates to one another. Positive interactions include simple things such as a smile, a touch on the arm, looking directly into your partner’s eyes, paying attention to what he or she says, saying thank you, sharing a quick hug or a giggle. Negative interactions include rolling the eyes, turning a cold shoulder, a dismissive harrumph, a mocking chuckle, or failing to listen to or acknowledge what your spouse is saying.
It is easy to create negative situations. Positive situation are much harder to create. It requires thought to be thoughtfulness.